16 Fashion Tips I'm Taking From 2016 Me

From bratty T-shirts to diabolical boots to Slutty Holden Caulfield, I regret nothing, but maybe I should??

Hello! This is a VULNERABLE one (as if the past few posts haven’t been, lol). I heard we’re casting our eyes back ten years, so below are 16 looks/outfit components that I have recently felt inspired to revive, from chokers (NONE of that plastic lace business, thankyouverymuch) to platforms to handfuls of scrambled eggs (IYKYK, if you don’t, well, scroll!). Ten years ago, I finished my first freshman year (at Barnard College) and transferred to my second freshman year (at Pratt Institute), leaving behind a promising (lol I was gonna fail remedial Chem) career in neuroscience for an idiotic degree in sculpture. My only regret from that era was actually enrolling in college—living in NYC, dressing as I did, smoking countless substances—all that made me who I am today. Wait, should I regret it?

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1. Bratty novelty T-shirt

   Long before “brat,” there was “me being a brat.” Whether the (typically chopped-up) tee read “Instant Asshole… just add alcohol” or “ssHHHH! I’m hiding from the Voices!”, you could count on me to pair it with anything from an Audrey Horne-esque midi pleated plaid skirt to straight-up underwear, which I favored for my copious selfie-taking. I miss thinking that wearing a souvenir shirt meant for a father was the funniest thing I could do.

   

   

   

2. Choker or neck scarf

   I never got caught up in the lacy plastic choker trend, just didn’t like the look of it and still don’t, but I can get behind a velveteen or chunky silver-and-stone choker paired with a low, sweeping neckline, a pert vintage collar, or a bodysuit. To similar effect, 2016 me rarely went out without tying anything from a silk scarf to a gas station handkerchief haphazardly around their neck, taking care that the knot was, importantly, not too loose nor too tight. Today, I’d actually leave even more room between neck and knot and use a much smaller scarf or bandana in service of less floppiness and a more casual look.

   

   

   

   

   

   

3. Beret

   Another recurring prop in underwear photos but just as often used in a kind of post-twee, New Wave-inspired modish fashion that I occasionally adopted when I was trying to look more “put together.” If my hear goes shorter again, the berets are coming out full force, as I believe they look best with locks jaw length or above.

   

   

4. Hunting cap

   This all started because I wanted my 2016 Halloween costume to be “slutty Holden Caulfield”—of course I did. What ended up happening instead, infamously, I’ll recount at the end of this post, but I did end up wearing the hunting cap as a more interesting alternative to beanies and a less flyaway-prone alternative to baseball caps.

   N.B. I am aware that this might not be THEE hunting cap Holden wore in the book, but it’s the one I found for cheap at a thrift store, so there.

   

   

5. Dangly earrings (not always on ears)

   I’m not sure my lobes will let me go back to the olden days when popping in a pair of rusty, thrifted janglies didn’t make for instant agony, but I could definitely pick some up to thread through the top button on a button-up blouse as a little bolo-ish accoutrement as below. If anyone has a lead on dangly earrings that don’t feel like medieval torture devices, please let me in on it. N.B. oh how I miss the days before some asshole informed me that smoking hookah was like inhaling 17 cigarettes in quick succession. Halcyon days.

   

   

6. Sport Ropes necklace

   These extremely dumb Sport Ropes “titanium-infused” necklaces only cost like $13 and purport to balance your baseball chakras or some such mumbo-jumbo. Luckily, they look cool as hell in my opinion—it’s rare that a piece of jewelry feels completely casual and sporty—and I think they’d be awesome as a signature piece for everyday hair. Ostentatious armpit hair recommended but not required.

   

7. Cutesy white top

   I think that some day soon, I’ll enjoy an innocent apple with nothing packed firmly inside of it while sitting on a rooftop I’m definitely allowed to be on, all while wearing a flitty, flirty little white top. Perhaps it will be eyeleted and ruffled, perhaps bloomy and peasant-style, perhaps have random adjustable, overall-style straps and chunky embroidery (these all pair perfectly with midi-length, paper bag-waist, crispy crunchy culottes). All I know for sure is that apple was definitely eaten and served no other purpose than to be digested.

   

   

   

8. Platforms

   Another thing from 2016 I would love to bring back into my personal rotation but am genuinely terrified of after the past ten years’ brutality on my body, especially my lower half, are platforms—we (my college buds and I) used to call the below my “ten-shot boots” because wearing them was the equivalent of taking ten shots in terms of how they affected my mobility, but also my confidence. I was fucking unstoppable in these thrifted, fur-lined monstrosities, and I would do anything to get to wear them for one more unhinged night. They looked especially good with sporty togs like tucked-in track pants, IMO.

   

   

9. Monochrome fits

   A favorite look that incorporated the ten-shot boots was to pair them with white overalls and a white top (or nothing underneath save for pasties over my already-saggy tits—some things never change). I also found a pair of red cargo pants with a built-in belt on the side of the road and frequently coupled them with fire-engine hued Basquiat tees, cutoff tanks, and, of course, my beloved red beret. I am thoughtfully leaving out the glamour shots I took in all red gripping my well-loved copy of The Communist Manifesto because nobody needs to see that.

   

   

   

10. Painted-on clothes

    Ok, I only ever really managed to paint on one clothing item, the jeans below, which I adorned with a deconstruction of the arm logo (also as seen on MY arm in the below photo) from my to-this-day favorite film, Santa Sangre. Hey, this was before I got on ADHD meds and I couldn’t commit to a project to save my life. I’d like to pick up where I left off (lol, as if even my medicated brain could manage that). Someone who COULD is the very-cool Ca8ty whom I recently spotted on the streets of PDX in a hand-painted and -embroidered outfit I am still thinking about weeks later. Check her out for endless inspiration!

    

11. Theatrical makeup

    From Thanksgiving Day with a bunch of randoms to a house party I was only nominally invited to by a guy who barely liked me, every occasion was one for makeup that borrowed from horror films, films like Daisies, or just my worst nightmares. Whether my eyes were thickly lined or I boasted a faux Glasglow smile, I would almost NEVER show up to the function looking “pretty,” and I love my 18-year-old self for that. I still sometimes embody this spirit, but I need more film inspiration for overpowering makeup looks I can inflict upon the cowards of Portland (if you’re not a coward, you’re safe, no big deal!). Give me recs, please!

    

    

12. Barely a shirt

    I so regret selling my sliced-and-diced D.A.R.E. tee years and years ago—I think this coming summer, I will recommit to my 2016 agenda of taking “clothing” as loosely as possible and dressing in a perma-state of half-undress.

    

13. Fur-lined hooded parka (bonus: over underwear)

    Okay, I’ve already brought half of this back with a J.Crew parka I scored for $32 from my evil ex job (apparently it’s $130 resale now, muahahaha), but I need to get better about wearing completely weather-inappropriate shit underneath, like, say, a sports bra. Oh, on my evil New Year’s Eve, I did wear it over a bathing suit, so I guess that’s points for me! I also had my hair in space buns, a 2016 classic that I am still negotiating the line for so I don’t accidentally appropriate Bantu knots a la Bjork. I think as long as I keep it to four buns (a la the Salvation Mountain photo far above), one on each quadrant of skull, it works, but if you have a strong opinion, please share!

    

14. Sharp collar

    I miss wearing stinky, scratchy polyester 70s shirts printed with dreamy watercolor scenes and capped off with a devastatingly sharp collar! I think I’ve avoided them in the past few years because they feel so feminine in a twee way, but looking at this pic, I think with a binder and the right makeup they could look super androgynous-fly. Pic is me at the Frick thinking about how if I were Alexander Berkman and had a point-blank shot into Henry Clay’s skull, no WAY he would’ve lived!!!

    

15. High neck

    Another style I’ve abandoned over the years for feeling a bit too feminine, but I can’t help it: as per the chokers and scarves section above, I adore having my neck covered (science side of Substack, please explain), and I can’t say I don’t have my eyes open for a new cotton, high-necked, Victorian-style blouse to pair with jeans and my leather jacket come springy weather.

    

    

16. Dress + sneaks

    Finally, yet another 2016 standby I have since avoided for nonbinary reasons but I can’t deny was cool (prariecore definitely had me in its grasp from about 2014-2016). I have a sickening feeling that Air Force Ones will come back in full swing within the next five years—invest in your pair now before it’s too late and StockX is making you Klarna your first born child for one.

Oh, actually-finally, it is the ten-year anniversary of my Halloween costume going viral and getting me a bajillion followers overnight whom I then foisted awful, pseudo-intellectual memes upon before idiotically deleting my account on an idealistic whim. If you’ve been here with me since the Killer from a Film days…. all I can say is you terrify me and it’s an honor to be witnessed by you. I hope I have added something positive to your past decade as you have to mine.

Note the handful of scrambled eggs, pragmatically encased in an off-brand Tupperware. I promise you I clutched them for 99% of the night (when I wasn’t clutching my umpteenth American Spirit Light Blue).

Thank you for accompanying me on this harrowing trip down memory lane. Which of these 16 look components should I hang onto and which should be destroyed in the embers of my past? Well, that’s ultimately for me to decide, but I am interested in your opinions, if you have any. Love you all, no matter how long you’ve been hanging out with me.

<3 ESK