Real Accessoreyes Real Accessorize Real Accessories
Good accessories I own or want to, from elfin baubles to doom metal perfume to cabbage-core winter wear.
Hello! I can explain! I was hired to make a sponcon post (please be happy for me lol also it’s extremely fun and might be some of my best work) three weeks ago and it was supposed to be released two weeks ago but the big brand in charge has been MIA when it comes to sending over approvals, so I’ve been stuck in an awful limbo where I’ve been scared to post anything else in case the piece gets approved on any given day. I so apologize for neglecting you in the meantime, especially the gorgeous contingent of you who pay for bonus posts, so I have decided to double up on posts in the coming weeks once the sponcon situation is squared away. I genuinely cannot emphasize how much I have relied on your support these past few years and am humbled that you give me grace in moments like these, where I’m scrambling to make my life work with the lemons and peanuts I’m pelted with by The Man.
Anyway!
Today’s bonus post is full of accessories—for the face, the body, the home, etc—that I have bought or wanted to buy in the past month or so, from Dimes Square-ass Band-Aids (don’t worry, I’m marked safe) to elfin baubles to doom metal perfume to cabbage-core winter wear. As always, each item is accompanied by my musings and I don’t mince words.
If you have anything you’d like to see me write about on Esque in the coming months, please respond to this email, leave a comment, or ping me on Instagram—y’all deserve a say, I have been delinquent in my writing and I want to involve you in the process!
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THANK YOU for being here, and I am always available @that.esque on Instagram for sartorial scandals/situations/summons. Here is a little preview of what’s below the paywall:
I recently got my eyes checked for the first time in a bit too long—my Medicare was extremely confusing when it came to optometry and eventually I needed new glasses badly enough that I just paid out of pocket for the random eye doc working out of the bowels of my local Warby Parker to poke around in my retinas. The most important reason I needed new glasses urgently was that I’d sat on the two pairs I hadn’t lost since my last visit enough times that they were starting to make me look like a lil’ rascal whenever I laid them, crooked, across my nose bridge, which only affirmed my deep-set belief that one should almost never pay more than $20-30 total for a pair of daily driver spectacles. They’re simply too vulnerable! I’ve found it more worthy to grab 2-3 pairs from Zenni every few years than to invest in anything around the $100 mark—I really like having options so the glasses feel like an intentional part of my fit, too, not just errant medical devices.
I’ve literally never owned non-neutrally colored glasses before and tend toward wire frames (of which I re-ordered my trusty rectangular and aviator styles along with the above), but I used the virtual try-on to play around with a few styles and fell in love with the shape of these blue-framed beauties. I genuinely don’t know what they’ll give in real life, but at $10 (I paid for the anti-reflective coating at the advice of the no-nonsense optometrist), I’m not terribly stressed about my odds of looking like an inappropriately nihilistic Miss Frizzle. I also recommend Zenni for people who can’t swing one night sans vision correction but want to use eyewear that fits in with a Halloween (or other festivity) costume—paying $10-20 for a pair of in-character specs that actually work and have reuse potential is genuinely a sustainable (and fashionable, IMO) way to lend authenticity to your look.
I saw this pair on a very fashionable Mom of TikTok and LOVED the shape and color via virtual try-on—if I were made of money (i.e. made more than $18k a year after taxes), I’d probably take them for a spin. As of now, getting three pairs for $40 made a lot more sense for my, ahem, lifestyle.
![PDP2 Option[Striped Cloudy Pink] MAIN](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!3pSm!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5db1dcb9-2f43-4121-9f7f-610391a81a99_768x768.jpeg "PDP2 Option[Striped Cloudy Pink] MAIN")
Ugh, I JUST missed the sale window on this style and colorway of 100% cotton bathrobe, an item that I only recently realized would up my quality of life quotient significantly as I truly value the hour after a shower where lounging sans underwear feels luxurious instead of lecherous. I actually might like this style and colorway (feels very Oliver in Call Me By Your Name if he wasn’t Armie Hammer yfm) better than the infamous Dusen Dusen striped robes (though I would NOT say no to being gifted one, heyyyyy), so someone please ping me when they’re in stock in my size and on sale again. Thanks~
I walked into Sephora lowkey on the tail end of a (prescription) ketamine high looking to replenish my Kosas eyebrow gel, but when the glossy-lipped guy running that store like the navy corralled me and told me the Merit was much better and WOULD GIVE ME SEAN CONNERY EYEBROWS, what was I going to say? Also, this tube was $2 cheaper than the one I initially went in for, so it wasn’t even an upsell, just a guardian angel doing their job not allowing me to look busted. The formula is thick and grippy and I have noticed it stay on all day, zero reapplication, even as someone who tends to rub their eyes when I’m tired or tired OF everything, an hourly occurrence.
I saw the above photo of Zendaya, and this has only ever happened twice in my life, but I immediately said “I need that lip color,” which was the impetus for the aforementioned Sephora jaunt. Funnily enough, the other time I saw a celebrity and immediately let myself become swept up by their influence was with Hunter Schafer wearing this specific shade of Saie blush, a compact of which has served me well for literal years at this point and should probably also be replaced. Euphoria really was just a psyop but shilling Sephora instead of conservatism! Anyway, the lip combo is beautiful and not too drying, complementing my fair skin surprisingly well given the discrepancy between my coloring and Z’s, plus you get a great amount of product for the mini set’s price. I just need to get used to having a layer of wax on my lips for any length of time—I usually end up defaulting to the Elf lip and cheek stain I’ve written about a bazillion times but I’d really like to expand my horizons!
Ok, this is low-key stupid, I can’t lie. The bandages are grotesquely overpriced and the designs all look like they were conceived of specifically to appease the readers of that alt-right lite Dimes Square-adjacent post-twee anti-Arab slop novel whose author I personally dislike wrote, if you know what I’m saying. Still, the bandages look sturdy, and I really love the concept of a decorative Band-Aid with a more mature tenor than one plastered with images of, say, Dora the Explorer or Bluey. Someone design beautiful bandages that don’t look like Fishwife sponcon and cost less than $1 a fuckin pop challenge!
I have never seen a bauble like this one and was instantly entranced by its placement, though it is funny that it’s modeled by someone with apparently straight hair in this photo, as it feels a bit like edges stolen valor, lol. I love the elfin emphasis of the ears and genuinely might order one of these to see how it actually holds up in person—have any of you ever tried anything like this? Report, please! N.B. if this is stealing ACTUAL valor of a traditional or sacred adornment, please also let me know, as I am heretofore unaware.
