Summer of Snooki + a Bad Influence Shoe
Adidas x Pharrell invented the first shoe that smokes cigarettes + our Jersey Shore summer plans.
Hello! It’s WARM OUT IN OREGON, and I am losing my mind in a really lovely way. Still technically unemployed, still very open to work (if you give me a lead I’ll give you a comped subscription forever and ever), but it genuinely feels like a joke to be job hunting in this economy, so I’m allowing my vocation this week to be soaking up as much sun as my SPF-ed up, pallid ass can handle. This post definitely reflects my mildly unhinged state, which I am trying my best to embrace in honor of my new patron saint, Nicole Polizzi. Below, above the paywall, is what you get when you ask me to simply review a pair of shoes, and below the paywall are Snooki styling tips I WILL be utilizing this summer. Onward!
If you like these posts, please let me know by liking and commenting here or on Esque’s Instagram, subbing to the Esque Substack (this) for free, getting bonus posts for five bucks a month, or for ZERO DOLLARS, share (tag me if on IG so I can see and thank you)! If you share with three friends (or enemies), you’ll automatically get a free month’s subscription to Esque’s paywalled posts. If you buy anything from an Esque link, there’s a chance I’ll earn a percentage commission at no cost to you—if you end up inspired by anything below, please send over a photo of your new togs by replying to this email and I’ll comp you a month of Esque!
If you cannot afford the $5/month, I totally understand—respond to any of my email sends and I will get you a $1.50 subscription or comp you, whatever you need. Esque is for everyone!
THANK YOU for being here, and I am always available @that.esque on Instagram for sartorial scandals/situations/summons. Here is a little [actually, this one’s really long] preview of what’s below the paywall:
Two recent major occurrences in my life: I’ve been watching Jersey Shore for the first time (currently halfway through the Italy season) and Adidas sent me a pair of the shoes they’re releasing in collaboration with Pharrell. In between agonizing bouts of Ron/Sammi ‘redemption arcs’ and realizing that I could use Snooki’s attitude as a DBT coping strategy (not taking questions on this—yet), I corresponded with some kind members of the team who could only give me vague conceptions of what these impending shoes would be like. I was asked if I had any questions. The only answers I got regarding the shoe’s actual construction were that “The inlay consists of an EVA insole to provide cushioning, while the outsole is direct-injected for an optimized fit and overall comfort.”
I immediately balked at them when I received the package—absolutely zero arch support and a construction I could barely comprehend. However, I have recently been advised by multiple doctors I trust that I need to stop wearing padded, stabilizing, protective footwear if I ever want to strengthen the intrinsic muscles in my feet and stop suffering from pathetically droopy arches.
Though this counters every instinct in my body given that every joint I own is chronically painful and every time I wear non-supportive shoes for more than five minutes I end up limping for the rest of the day, I couldn’t exactly argue with two intelligent, competent, licensed professionals and have thus begun my journey toward the oxymoronic “barefoot footwear.” I can’t lie, I was excited at the idea that maybe, just maybe I could divest from the hideous orthotics I’d been married to since wrecking my shit for the first time ten years ago—were my underused Sambas finally medically mandated? I tend to vibe with Adidas’ aesthetic choices, if not its engineering ones, so I was excited to receive these shoes. Imagine my dual delight and terror when I opened the box to find…
…shoes that would have somehow put Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino in a neck brace [again] out of sheer enthusiasm. The Adidas x Pharrell “VIRGINIA Vario FLAT EARTHER” is the equivalent in full-grain leather footwear to Vinny’s uncle who relentlessly hits on JWOWW and can’t speak more than half a sentence in non-slurred words. Graphic, peacocking green (or black, if you foolishly choose subtlety where none is warranted) stripes wrap around the body of each cream-colored vamp, countered by abstractly off-kilter toe caps speckled with perforations. These shoes are not for the weak of heart.
Like a hybrid of bowling shoes and smoking slippers, these slip-ons feature magnetized flaps that don’t actually adjust their size or serve any noticeable function I could conceive of besides aesthetically. They are satisfying to idly play with, flipping the flaps back and forth, but I do have a hard time welcoming with open arms design choices that crib from functional aesthetics without any basis in pragmatism.
The same thing could be said for the shoes’ teensy, logo-bedecked tongue: usually included on shoes with laces to keep them sturdily tied and prevent them rubbing on the foot, this tongue is obviously vestigial. I was quite charmed with its tininess to the extent that I didn’t even begrudge the logo placement. I’m getting too easy.
Apparently, the FLAT EARTHERS derive from a 2004 Adidas style, the Yoga Vario, which focused on minimal, sleek construction for maximum grounding. Perfect for the urgings of my doctors to forego orthopedic amenities in favor of tough love for my toes, no?
Unfortunately, I had walked for about five minutes on concrete pavement before two things started to happen: those EVA (a type of low-profile, shock absorbing foam) insoles began to curl under my toes, abandoning their posts as protectors of my pressure points almost before their assignments even started, and my right Achilles began to rub so violently on the back of its shoe that I sustained a Wound (far beyond a Blister) that ended up sticking around for two weeks and required I use heavy-duty Band-Aids even with my ol’ faithful footwear for that span of time.
These shoes, though derived from yogic roots, make me want to do nothing besides sit at a rinky-dink curbside table baking in the sun (sans SPF), nurse an Aperol Spritz, and chain smoke, and honestly, that’s pretty much the extent of what I can do in them without having to hail a [Pauly D voice] CAB or enlisting some poor schlub to carry me home. I think that’s beautiful, and maybe sometime in the future, after I’ve acclimated my maladaptive soles to the sidewalk, I’ll be able to use these as a piece de resistance in my speculative (but inevitable) Summer of Snooki Stylings. These shoes will be available via Adidas on April 11th. Thanks for sharing these bad-influence booties, Adidas team!
Did I say Summer of Snooki? You’d better believe it. Here’s the plan…
